To resume relations with a desktop or a classmate … It’s simple: social networks and search sites are popular all over the world. But what is hidden behind our desire to return the past?
Tatyana and Natalia, both 31 years old “We do not want to lose each other”
Two bosomed friends met, as always, on Arbat, talked, drank coffee and parted. For years. They became friends at the Air Building School. “It was friendship at first sight, an instant sense of kinship,” Natalia recalls. – We absolutely understood each other. There was not the slightest reason to part-but for some reason it happened “. Eight years later they found each other in Odnoklassniki and immediately decided to see. “I was very worried when I went to this meeting,” Tatyana admits. – After all, sometimes a person with whom he has long parted is changing that there is nothing to talk about. But I was afraid in vain. As if these eight years were not! We found amazing coincidences: novels, family situations – everything was like a copy! Even children were born in one year. Natasha and I are still unthinkable!»Now
Tatyana and Natalia are friends with families, although they like to communicate the most. “Natasha charges me with its optimism. With her I can be frank. She does not teach me life. But if I need advice, it will give it exactly when necessary, ”says Tatyana. “I don’t believe in female friendship at all,” Natalia admits. – But Tanya is an exception. Apparently, we had to leave to learn how to appreciate our relationship. Now we are already very afraid to lose each other again “.
Every day only on the website www.Odnoklassniki. ru 10 million men and women are looking for those with whom they were friends at school or university, once studied in a sports section or went to the camp*. In an effort to restore previous acquaintances that we are looking for in this relationship? And why, having interrupted them for years, some find each other and no longer want to lose?
To be next to those who cause us sympathy, with whom you can share the most secret and who is easy to turn to support for – it seems that each of us needs it. “And yet, the need for friendly relations does not arise so often,” says sociologist Igor Kon, “and depends on different life circumstances” **. However, this does not mean that the rest of the time we forget friends or cease to cherish them, and they are us. “Just the need for mental intimacy arises from us and other people at different times, sometimes giving rise to a feeling of resentment and incomprehensibility,” the sociologist continues. “That is why the necessary conditions for strong friendship are trust and mutual tolerance”.
Find support in the past
For the first time, many begin to look for friends of childhood and youth between thirty and forty years. In any case, most visitors of sites devoted to the search for people belong to this age group. But it is at this age that both women and men are most active in career and personal life. These are mature energetic people oriented to the future. So why instead of looking forward, they prefer to turn back?
Margarita and Alexander, both for 47 years “the general past helped us”
Six years ago, Rita died with a husband with whom they were along with a student bench. The need for communication and brought it to the “Odnoklassniki” website. “The Internet helped me a lot then,” Rita recalls. – It was difficult for me to just take and call those whom I haven’t seen a hundred years. What to say? And does a person need communication with me? And the Internet does not oblige to anything “. Rita’s course at the institute was not friendly, but now she wanted to know who had a life. She was especially delighted, finding the name of Alexander: in his student years he was a friend of her husband. He almost did not go to the site, but Rita answered. Their correspondence either stopped for six months, then resumed, gradually it became more interesting with each other. Here, Alexander took the initiative and insisted at the meeting “in real life”. Now that he and Rita have been living together for four years, he admits: “I could not imagine that thanks to the Internet you can find a loved one. But of course, the general past helped us. It is easier to resume relationships than starting from scratch. “.
Psychologist Mariez Vaillant explains this: “Many of those who belong to this most active generation are not confident in their future, not feeling real stability either in the professional, personal, nor in the economic sphere. And in the past, on the contrary, they are absolutely sure – after all, it was already! And in moments of doubt or despondency they turn to nostalgic memories “.
The support in their past is also looking for those of us whose life has already taken place, who is close to the end of the career. The reason is the same – fear of an unknown future. At such moments, we mentally return to those golden times of childhood and youth, when all life was ahead and it seemed that everything was subject to us. “We easily follow our own desire to return to this imaginary, idealized child, to become them again,” continues Mariz Vayan. – And for this you need to restore his environment – to find his friends. This search reflects our unaccountable desire to regain a lost paradise. Such a “retreat” can be understood, but I think that the share of infantility is manifested in it, the refusal to accept reality ”. Psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin goes even further in his explanation: “In early childhood, each of us is confident that he is an absolute center of the universe, an almighty deity. It’s worth something to want-and mom will satisfy all the desires. This is a heavenly state in which each of us wants to return “. Restoring relations with childhood friends, we give ourselves such a chance.
To feel warmth again
Friendship – the connection is deep, intimate. “Unlike friendship, it involves not only mutual assistance, but also internal intimacy, frankness, absolute trust,” Igor Kon said. And with whom, if not with a childhood friend, we were first frank? Having experienced a crisis or disappointment, we – often unexpectedly for ourselves – suddenly we begin to look for old acquaintances, unconsciously hoping to feel the sincerity and warmth of the relationship again. It’s so nice to say to someone: “Do you remember?”And it’s not about listing the facts and events that are pleasant to restore together, but in the reconstruction of the whole world. This is the smell of cabbage pies that the grandmother baked, the first trip to the pool, some wall newspapers, traveling on the river tram. But you never know what else. “Such involvement in the past unites us, filling us with warmth and peace,” explains the psychologist Veronika Nurkov. In the most difficult moments when they have to bury parents, many call friends and youth friends, even if they have not communicated for a long time. “Friends help restore balance,” the psychologist continues, “to feel that there is something unshakable, constant in life, what you can rely on at any time”.
Kim and Andrey, both of them for 48 years “together we can be ourselves”
“More than four years ago, Andrei registered on“ Odnoklassniki ”with one purpose – to find those with whom he studied at a school in the Azerbaijani city of Kirovabad (now Ganja). He was twelve when he left for the holidays, and at that time his father, a military personnel, was transferred to Moscow. Then Andrei changed two more schools, but years later he decided to find the Kirovabad guys. “For me, my childhood is the sweetest, unforgettable time,” he admits. – It is like a talisman who protects all his life. My ideas about the world, about how people communicate, are friends – all from there “. Now Andrei has 85 friends on the Web – students of that school of different years of release. “Most of us are the children of the military, we have the same perception of life, we speak the same language. After so many years we write off – and we do not need to explain anything, we understand each other at a glance. “. Now every year, graduates of this school come from different places to meet in Moscow. Kim, who studied with Andrei in parallel classes, was three times at these meetings. “Among the guys I feel at once both adults and a boy,” he smiles. – This is an opportunity to feel like young again. It doesn’t matter to us who has some status, do not have anything to portray. And you can be yourself “.
Those who are not looking for anyone
In contrast to those who are happy to find long -standing friends, many men and women are not registered in “Odnoklassniki”, and their contacts on Facebook (an extremist organization prohibited in Russia) are more likely to be business in news, work proposals for work. If classmates still get in touch with them, then they politely refuse to meet or simply ignore the proposal. “As a rule, those who have completely developed a system of values do this and it does not include relations with those with whom we grew up or studied,” explains the family psychotherapist Inna Hamitova. -If there was no real friendship in an interrupted relationship, then there is no desire to look for insignificant people in general. In addition, those who highly appreciate their mental and intellectual forces are not inclined to resume contacts through many years, can separate genuine relations from superficial and optional. And creates its “close circle” for years “.
Friendship after years flares up again with friends of childhood and youth, not just classmates – all our experts agree with this. “There is a so -called effect of volitional attention, when in the minds of old friends our young image is superimposed on a new one, and the former image prevails,” explains Veronika Nurkov. – Thanks to this, we treat each other with unconditional trust. And this is explainable: after all, in childhood, our relations were built without a shadow of mercantile and calculation, were reckless and very emotional. And now there is a hope that they will again become just like that “.
Sometimes, having found each other on the Web, people only correspond, do not find time to meet in real life. Does this mean that friendship has not restored? “No,” Veronika Nurkova is sure. -Online communication requires considerable mental and intellectual efforts, honesty and openness. Modern technologies returned us a culture of epistolary communication of the 19th century, when close people sometimes had not seen each other, but thanks to correspondence they constantly kept each other in sight. Knew who lives what, what pleases and bothers everyone. And this supported mutual interest and sincerity of communication “.
Behind the natural desire to find out who our childhood friends became, to resume friendship or compare their life path with the fate of others hides an unconscious psychological mechanism – which, however, does not reduce the joy of meetings ..
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